A cancer diagnosis nearly always comes as a surprise, and with all of the appointments, uncertainty, stress and push to start treatment as soon as possible, we know how hard it is to process all the changes happening in your life. When it comes to processing your diagnosis, nothing is ever linear and there’s no one-size-fits-all. Here are 10 helpful strategies to make things feel a bit more manageable.
Ten strategies for processing your diagnosis
1. Remind yourself: Cancer is physical and emotional
Whatever emotions you may be feeling after a diagnosis, know that they are all normal. Sarah Kurker, an oncology social worker and professor of social work at Arizona State University, suggests letting these feelings show themselves to you and finding support to help you process them. “Try to allow the emotions to come, because it is overwhelming, but maybe if you are able to express it in some ways that are helpful to you, it can be more manageable,” Kurker says. “Be graceful to yourself. Some things are going to change, but it’s your journey and you can make it through.”
Depression and anxiety affects cancer patients at a higher rate than the general population, and it’s easy to see why. Cancer is a physical disease, but it can touch nearly every part of your life. Mentally processing your diagnosis can be a step towards managing your overall health throughout your journey.
2. Take it one step at a time (actually)
Often, the time after your diagnosis and before you start treatment can be the most stressful. In this initial phase, you may be undergoing follow up testing and scans, meeting with doctors, and feeling like you’re being pulled in a million directions without a clear path forward. It’s natural to have fear and to be focused on the worst case scenarios when the weeks ahead feel so unclear. Susan Hess, a licensed professional counselor who’s worked with women with breast and ovarian cancer for over 27 years, says amidst all the stress, surprise, confusion and treatment, it might feel like you just simply don’t have time to process what’s happened.
There’s no need to rush yourself through the emotional process, no matter what it looks and feels like to you. Hess says many of her clients want to process their whole diagnosis at once, but “it’s too much to try and solve all of it at once.” Try to keep in mind that your journey likely won’t be linear, and processing your emotions doesn’t need to be either; recognizing this can help lighten your mental load.
3. Ask questions
Cathy Spagnoli, a breast cancer nurse navigator at Northwestern Medicine says it’s a good idea to ask your care team lots of questions about what you can expect at every stage of treatment (for example, side effects, if you’ll be able to work, and what the end goal of treatment is). If you’re not sure where to start, check out Jadey’s guide of suggested questions for some inspiration. “Knowledge is power,” Spagnoli says, and asking these types of questions to understand what is going to change in your life can make this time feel less scary.
Also, don’t feel that you need to ask your questions all at once. Sometimes it’s only after an appointment that you’ll realize you still have more questions. Many doctors have online portals where you can send any follow up questions you may have, or a good old fashioned phone call to your doctor’s office works as well. Your care team is there to support you as you go through treatment, and getting answers to your questions can help alleviate some of the anxiety and uncertainty you may be feeling.
4. Organize your swirling thoughts
Once you’ve had your first few appointments and start to get a sense of your course of treatment, it may be helpful to organize your thoughts by writing them down. Christy Lingo, who was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2021, felt overwhelmed after her first appointment with an oncologist. “Absorbing everything that’s going to happen over the course of the next 18 months of my life, I [was] thinking: ‘Oh my gosh, my kids. Oh my gosh, my business. How are we going to afford this? What if I can’t work at all?’”
So, she sat down and made a list. Christy recommends writing down your thoughts to anyone who’s received a diagnosis. Organizing your swirling thoughts into a concrete list may help with feelings of being overwhelmed and not knowing what to do next. Writing out a list can help you prioritize what items need immediate action, and what items really can wait. And, this list may also show you where you might need extra help from your support network as you begin treatment.
5. Learn to accept help
Your loved ones want to help you. Even if you are somebody who likes to tackle challenges solo, facing your diagnosis will be much easier on you, your partner, your family and friends, if you learn to accept the help that’s offered.
In many cases, your loved ones may not be sure how to show up for you or what to say after your diagnosis. But by helping you in some way – whether by giving you a ride to an appointment, running some errands for you, watching your pets or kids, cooking you a meal, or just coming over to hang out – they can feel supportive at a time when it’s hard to know how to ‘be useful’. Remember, accepting a loved one’s help is not just a kindness to yourself, but a kindness to them.
Christy, who says she’s always struggled with accepting help, remembers some of the best advice she received from a friend. Her friend asked if she liked to help people, to which Christy responded of course she did. “When you don’t let me help you, you’re denying me that joy,” she recalls her friend saying.
“I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to do everything. I’m not just going to be able to muscle through this like I have so many other things in my life,” Christy says. “Allowing myself to be helped was good for me.”
6. Find support from people who understand
Connecting with somebody who has gone through a similar form of treatment, whether or not they share your exact diagnosis, can be a great source of comfort and community. If you’re looking for something that’s more formally organized, many hospitals and local organizations offer in-person or virtual cancer support groups, and you can ask your care team if they have any good recommendations. Cancer can feel very isolating, and Kurker, who runs a support group for young adults, says finding people going through similar circumstances is vital in processing something so life-altering.
Nearly everybody knows somebody (or knows of somebody) who’s had cancer. We know how tiring it can be to constantly have people tell you: “I have a friend/aunt/sister/etc. who went through this,” but sometimes reaching out to those people can be another great way to find community. Of course you don’t need to speak with every aunt and neighbor who’s ever also had cancer, but saying yes to a few of these connections, particularly if it’s someone who went through a similar form of treatment, is similar in age, or just happens to live near you, can be a real comfort. Jadey co-founder, Michelle Reiss, calls these connections her “cancer text buddies” and says they are an essential part of her support network.
“My friends and family are of course always there to listen and offer support. But they don’t know what the treatment side effects feel like; they aren’t able to offer the practical advice and support I sometimes need,” Michelle says. “My cancer text buddies – some of them live across the country and we’ve actually never met each other, I don’t even know what they look like – but we will text each other in the middle of the night about our side effects and other really personal things. Having that judgement-free support from someone who understands what you’re going through, it’s been one of the most helpful ways that I’ve navigated my diagnosis and treatment.”
Hess also recommends seeking out an oncology social worker, therapist, or counselor who has experience working with people with cancer or chronic illness. She says it can help to speak with someone outside of your family system, who may also be experiencing their own emotions. A professional can help you navigate your emotions healthily. For more tips on finding the right therapist, click on over to our guide here.
7. Practice mindfulness and breathing
Kurker also suggests grounding techniques like mindfulness, visualization and breathing exercises, which can help make you less reactive to stress.
Kurker’s favorite technique is what she calls “burst breath,” a quick calming method that takes about nine seconds. First, inhale a very deep breath, filling your whole core, chest, ribs and abdomen. When you’re at max capacity, you inhale a little more and then release. “For some people that one feels empowering because you’re sort of at your max and then you go a little bit more,” Kurker says. You can find more of our favorite breathing techniques here.
8. Negativity is so valid; and it doesn't have to run the show
Robin Katz, an oncology social worker and therapist at Robert H. Lurie Comprehensive Cancer Center in Chicago, leads one specific group support session called “Meaning Centered Psychotherapy” to help focus thoughts. There are going to be some hard days, and feeling negative emotions is extremely reasonable. As a therapeutic practice, Katz believes that finding meaning and celebrating small joys can help you through even the most challenging circumstances. Whether it’s writing down thoughts of gratitude in a personal journal that nobody will see, or writing and sending thank you notes to friends and family who have reached out to you (which you don't need to feel obligated to do!), taking time on a daily basis to practice gratitude can be a helpful exercise to take your mind off of negative thoughts and focus on the positive.
There’s no one correct way to practice gratitude and thoughtfulness. Katz suggests finding distractions, specifically things that make you happy, to make the journey easier on your mental health. Whether it’s reading, making art, listening to music or watching your favorite show, Katz says finding things that distract you can also help you to not ruminate on your diagnosis and treatment.
9. Little joys
Kurker encourages her patients to find small joys at every step—go to lunch with a loved one after getting your port placed, watch your favorite movie after your first chemo session, and take all the time you need for yourself to rest and recover. You are doing something difficult, and that deserves to be celebrated at every step of the way.
10. Be kind to yourself
Most importantly, give yourself grace. Don’t try to process everything all at once. Be patient with the time this takes and lean on your support systems as much as possible.
“It takes a lot of courage to go through treatment, and I don’t think patients realize that,” Katz says. Between all your appointments, discomfort, uncertainty, and life disruptions, give yourself a moment to acknowledge that you are doing a lot. Facing cancer is no easy feat, and every day may look and feel totally different. And if you ever feel stuck, please know that Jadey is always here for all the feelings.
