In some family dynamics, how you tell your parents about your cancer diagnosis won’t even be something you think about. They will be your first call, they will be at the first appointments with you, they already got several texts in a row from you today alone.
And then, for some of us, telling our parents seems like an emotional minefield. There might be an explosion of weeping, guilt, an insistent unwanted declaration that they’re moving in with you. Let’s add the caveat that we love our parents into all of this, but they can be tricky people to communicate with. And telling them something very vulnerable–in a situation that you hope they’d handle perfectly when you know they won’t–can feel like a really difficult hurdle.
Below, we have some strategies, from experts and people who have been there before, that you can use to navigate these conversations, create boundaries, and accept their help in the way that feels most comfortable to you.
Take some time to prepare
KrisAnn Talarico, a certified oncology social worker in Minnesota, says that when it comes to talking with your parents, it’s important to ask yourself first about your motivations behind telling them. Do you just want them to know? Do you need practical support? Emotional support? Financial assistance? Are you worried if you ask for money, they’ll feel entitled to be involved in ways you don’t want? It’s important to understand for yourself why you want your parents to know, and what you need from them, before you have that conversation.
You also might think about putting some thought into how you think they’ll react. You know your parents, and if you’re afraid to tell them, it’s worth it to ask yourself why. Are you worried about putting the burden on them? Do you feel they’ll be overbearing?
Marcella Kelson, a licensed social worker who primarily works with new mothers and women with cancer, suggests preparing for the “worst-case scenario,” and understanding the boundaries you’ll need to create within that. “I would probably want to do a lot of processing of the conversation before it even happens,” Kelson says. For this, it might be helpful to see a mental health professional or a close friend, to talk through these boundaries, expectations, reactions, and relationships.
You don’t need to feel responsible for their reaction
With most parents, this is an atypical flow of this type of information; usually the older parent tells their child they’re sick. The support they offer, though well-intentioned, might actually feel overbearing or totally unhelpful. Their reaction and grief might feel like you need to support them. They will very likely say exactly the wrong thing.
Probably the toughest part about telling people, especially your parents, about your diagnosis, is the burden you may feel for putting that on them. No parent wants to see their child go through this, but know that you are not responsible for the emotions they feel.
If you think they’ll be incredibly emotional and that that will have an effect on your own mental health, you might think about limiting their knowledge of the situation. “You don’t have to put yourself in a position to then have to take care of your parents’ emotional reaction as well,” says Kelson.
Telling the truth can sometimes feel like you’re causing harm to them, especially if you have taken more of a caregiving role to them as they age. Charlotte*, who got an ovarian cancer diagnosis in her early 30s, didn’t tell her elderly father until after treatment was over. He was showing early signs of dementia, and falling into repetitive, worried loops. “He’s gotten very sensitive and anxious as he’s gotten older, and we didn’t want to worry him until after my surgery was over,” says Charlotte. “My mom and I were totally torn about whether this was the right approach–I still don’t know. But I’m happy thinking I protected him from a couple months of horrible stress while we waited to see how dire things were. I still sometimes can’t believe I got a cancer diagnosis and couldn’t tell him for weeks.”
It’s okay to want boundaries, and it’s okay for them to change over time
It might feel tough to create boundaries with your parents, but when it comes to your mental wellbeing, you don’t need permission. Identifying boundaries is a crucial way to regain autonomy and control amidst everything happening to your body and life that may at times feel uncontrollable.
“I’m a firm believer that the individual who’s been diagnosed has the final say on what information gets shared, when it gets shared, how it gets shared. As you’re going through the experience, it’s important for [you] to really be in touch with what [your] boundaries are,” Talarico says.
Talarico says it can be difficult to understand what your needs and boundaries are at any age, but especially as a young adult and especially if your parents are now acting as your caregivers.
Before you talk with your parents, it’s important to ask yourself what you want your parents to know, how involved you want them to be in your treatment, managing symptoms, supporting you or members of your household, and more. And if these things are not clear to you quite yet, that’s completely okay. It’s normal to figure out your comfort levels along the way, and for those to change over time.
Try to come up with a plan
We know the time between your diagnosis and treatment can be the most stressful, because there is often little clarity about what your plan is or what the months ahead might look like.
And because of this, Talarico suggests being thoughtful about when you’re going to share the information. If you feel it might be overwhelming to hear a lot of questions that simply do not have answers yet, you may want to hold off on sharing. If you think it’s important to share early on, you might want to prepare to explain that you don’t have the answers right now, and that hopefully it will become more clear by “X” amount of time or after meeting with “X” doctor.
“There’s nothing worse than somebody inadvertently suggesting to you that you don’t have enough information about your own situation,” Kelson says. “If parents are struggling with boundaries, it also gives them more room to come in and find agency where you don’t necessarily want them to.”
Decide where you need help, and remind yourself it’s temporary
Abby’s parents became her primary caregivers after she was diagnosed with breast cancer at 27, and she remembers feeling like she’d reverted back to being a teenager. She knew it was hard for her parents to watch her go through cancer treatment, and she wanted to stay strong, but she also knew she needed to let her parents take care of her.
If you know you’ll need practical and emotional support from your parents, you should communicate that with them. Talarico suggests reminding yourself that this is not the only relationship defining you, and that this role reversal or change is temporary. “It can feel big at the time,” Talarico says, but this “particular caregiving relationship with them does not encompass the totality of your relationship with them.
If they’re desperate to help, but you’re hesitant, you can strategize on assignments. Maybe you don’t want them to give you a ride to appointments because you’re not interested in answering all their questions in the car. Maybe they take your dog for a walk while you’re in the waiting room for the morning. Maybe you ask them to make you a meal to enjoy when you get home.
Breaking the news of a cancer diagnosis to your parents demands some courage, and preparation. Know your roles and relationship dynamic might be shifting. This is a really crucial time to prioritize whatever you need, and be clear with them about how they can support you in the ways that you want.
*Names and some identifying details have been changed at the subject’s request.
